Friday, March 6, 2009

That Icky Feeling

I know what it is, too. I feel like I'm walking through jello again...
that feeling of anxiety just won't leave my chest or stomach
I can't seem to get anything do
I had hesitated to write about any of this because, well, frankly it is just so darn unpleasant. The truth is, my dear friends, I am not only in a really bad financial way, I am kind of stuck in a situation until I get my finances in order.
See Yasmin, I am not exactly divorced....yet. 
I really should be...I really need to be.
I have not wanted to write this as I always feel like maybe someone reads this who is connected to my work, even in the past. Past clients do come back from time to time.
I cannot leave my marriage until I have the financial means to do so. Sadly, he drained any possibility of my doing that without my knowledge. He said I knew. Well, I didn't. He paid bills with everything we had and with our freaking line of credit. Oh, and the house belongs to me. He will sign it back over to me when the time comes.
Anyway, I will not go into why I think I married him now or why I married him. That is for a future post. For now I will say that he is very abusive, mostly emotionally. He goes for very long periods of time without speaking to me and will get the kids to ask me questions. I have asked him to stop putting them in the middle and to stop allowing them to see this, but he is too selfish and narcissistic to stop. He twists things so the kids think it is me who instigate situations. I almost don't care anymore, I just really want this marriage over. I am to the point of hatred. There are no more tender feelings left. None.

I am sure that once we are living separate lives for a while and he is no longer mean that I may soften up. That by no means means that I will have feelings for him again, it simply means that I will no longer harbor these hateful feelings which I find so destructive. I think that is why I am feeling so depressed. How can I not be depressed when I feel such anger when he walks into the house and treats me badly each and every day. His refusal to speak and when he does it always rude and mean.

He spent years working on destroying my self esteem and then had the gaul to say it was Me who damaged HIS self esteem. He used to tell my oldest child terrible things about me, like I was useless, basically, when the boy was only 3 years old, thus being abusive to both him and me. 

I know I should not publish this post, but I feel like I must. I feel like I hide this from the world and I am so tired of it. I try to keep up appearances with most people in my community and so I never breathe a word of this. Only a few of my closest friends know how really bad the situation is. My mother also knows. She is actually the one who has said I have to stay until I get enough money to pay off some bills and take care of myself and the kids. 

I guess I left some things out. My dear Husband is self employed. My mother purchased his second business, which he really didn't hustle enough at. Although he is talented, I think you can guess, he lacks some self-esteem. He could have made big bucks and didn't. He got us into huge credit card problems and got my mother to bail us out. I mean HUGE. I told her not to. Did I mention that she gave me/us this house? She was afraid of us losing the house. He promised to make payments on the loan she took out...but guess what...he couldn't. She might now lose her house in several years. He also maxed out the  line of credit behind my back and our cards again. Why did I not work all these years? Because he said that he made so much money with each job and my work doesn't make as much and that I could work nights. I screwed myself by not working For someone as now no one wants me. That and the economy issue..I know.
Ok, so there is some of it. I need to get my kids out of this situation. They cannot be raised in this kind of home. I just have to find some sort of employment.

I just know that there is something better ahead...right?


Beth said...

Dear Laura, I'm so sorry to hear about this, but yes, there IS something better ahead. I hate it that you are going through this, and I know how miserable it is to be stuck in a place you don't want to be.

I always try to discourage people from taking this step, but I wonder if it might not be an option for you...bankruptcy? So you can get out of the marriage and move on?

You are bright and beautiful, and I know you'll get through this. Stay strong.

Love, Beth

ADB said...

I can only say from afar that I hope this situation gets resolved very soon - to your satisfaction.

Coelha :B said...

I was kind of in the same situation years ago. Keep the faith that things will get better-remember to trust yourself. Writing about all of this is a brave, as well as a therapeutic thing to do. I would look for some sort of employment--not just for financial reasons-to just get out of the house and gain some self-worth--it must be horrible to be home all day just to wait for him to come home. I'm glad your mom is there to help out. Take care - Julie

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

There are better times ahead, and I hope they come soon for you. I was on the verge of bankruptcy 10 years ago, and now am hoping to retire at 55 (still almost 9 years away). Keep your chin up, and your smile on.

Tawnya said...

I can totally relate. I too was and it seems is in somewhat the same situation as well... If you need to talk my friend I am here for you...

lunarossa said...

I'm so sorry, Laura. I did not think it was so bad. I know the problem. My cousin was in a similar situation, actually worse as her husband actually hit her, so all the family got together and helped her out. She's now almost free of him, together with her kids and safe. Can you find some help in your family or your friends? All you need is a bit of support and I'm sure you will find a good job for yourself. Just don't give up and believe in yourself. Hugs. A.

Gerry said...

No wonder you have not been able to post under such a load of worries. I think it is a good sign that you now feel the necessity to speak out and I am glad you are thinking now how to move out of this intolerable situation. Best to you. I will read on.