Stuff

I went to the faculty meeting yesterday to meet the teachers at the school where I will work one day a week. So, first of all, I thought I had it in the bag for next year, but then the principal says it is only guaranteed until the end of the year. This he says, really, to the teachers. The hell?

Alright. I am going to a job faire Sat. for the Archdiocese of SF Elementary schools. I am hoping to make some contacts for a position of some sort. We'll see. It will be swamped. So many people are looking for jobs right now. I missed the High School Job Faire two weeks ago for the Catholic Schools. I was pretty bummed about that as a job in high school would either lower my tuition or eliminate tuition for high school for my son in two years. Tuition is in the 18-20 something thousand a year range. So you see why I am desperate to find a job!

The 8th graders found out where they got in on Friday. It was a HUGE thing! In San Francisco the public schools are so bad that they really are not an option. There is only one public that is a college prep. Lowell High School. It is very difficult to get into. I am pretty sure my son has the grades for it, but he doesn't want to go there...course not. He wants either Saint Ignatius or Sacred Heart. He really wants to play sports and Sacred Heart recruits their players from two AAU team in particular and that is not his team, so he fears he will not be able to play basketball there. Maybe football, though. He plays rugby on one of the top teams, at least in the Bay Area, SF Golden Gate. Crazy Game, but he LOVES it!

Anyway, so now the kids have to ramp up their community service, make sure they do every extra everything, win every contest, get straight A's and then maybe, just maybe, they will get into 1 or 2 of the 3 or 4 schools they apply to.

Our Principal was furious, I heard, and ranting, even at the last Women's Guild Meeting. A few kids only applied to two schools and did not get in to either. She had to go and fight to get them into a school. I can't believe it is so difficult for our children to get into our local schools. 

Perhaps if the peninsula kids went to their local schools and Marin kids went to their local schools and we did not hold a certain number of spots open for these kids and leave San Francisco kids out in the cold. I don't even want to get started on the athletic situation!

Done with my rant....for now!

Thanks for listening!

L

Don't Think About Your Belly Button

I really have learned that lesson well lately. You know where you try to think of other things, but you simply can't. You tell yourself to focus on other things and the only thing you can focus on are the things you are trying  not to.

I have also learned how when you are starving the only thing you think of is food. Oh, my hunger is not for food. It is for employment. It is for peace. It is for a situation where my children don't have to go without all the time.

I am so focused on those things that I am really boring and even I don't want to talk to me.

I have nothing else to say. 

Living each day in a panic is just not going to cut it.

I do start working one day a week at the Armenian School. I am actually  very stressed about that as I will be creating the counseling program out of nothing. Not that I can't do it. I am sure I can. I think I have been so depressed for so long that it even the simplest of tasks seems daunting....and this one is not really that simple. I need to think of everything necessary for this program to work. I feel as if the success or failure of it is on my shoulders. 

I am trying to figure out what I need legally at the moment and then what they need so I can go in there and seem like I have it somewhat together.

Honestly, the job I a covet is at a Catholic High School. My former high school said I was the next therapist they would hire, BUT I am just waiting for someone to leave. I have been waiting since last year. I called the assistant Principal yesterday, who was one of my teachers all those years ago. I just wanted to keep the connection going and let her know that I still wanted that position. She said she was thinking about me and actually had a picture of me staring right at her in her office. You see, I was on a trip to Mexico that she chaperoned and the group photo was recently hung on the wall. Last year when I went to see, she had found that photo and showed it to me. It was one of those cool panorama ones. A bunch or silly girls!

Anyway, that job would be so sweet for several reasons, actually. First of all, I really want to work at an all girls Catholic High School...no, really I do! I really love that school and would love to work there. It is such a great school for girls. Secondly, I think that job would help me with high school tuition at at least one of the schools my son wants to attend in two years. The tuitions are like 20 thousand a year and, well, I am just screwed right now!

Oh, financial aid! He had to really start doing community service, like right this second, if he expects to get in with a  tuition break. 

Before I end, I would like you know that I wrote this whole THANK YOU  for all of your support. I thanked you for your kindness and generosity. I thanked those of you who emailed me over the months to check up on me. I just wanted to let you all know how much it meant it meant to me. Sadly, the entire post was lost when I hit publish and I was VERY frustrated. However, please know that I am very thankful to all of you for your kind support. It has really meant so much to me.

xo

L

Crossing Harder!!!

As I was driving my little guy to basketball today I get a call. I did not recognize the number so I thought I should answer it as I have so many calls out there to prospective employers. Turns out it was the Principal from the Armenian school. He apologized for not getting back to me sooner but reminded me that they were in the throes of their WASC accreditation. I had not forgotten and in fact, had told my mother about it when she asked me what happened to this job prospect.

Anyway, he said if I was still interested he wanted me to start working one day a week next week. Sure, I'm in! 

Schools often have you either work two days a week or full time, which can be everyday. One day is really not much, but hey, it's a start.

The charter school director emailed me yesterday and told me that she is, in fact, opening up a position called Learning Support Professional. This position will be that of a case manager and counselor. If I am interested in the position I was to contact her. I called this morning and hope to hear from her soon. I know there would be many in line for this job, and she may already know who she wants in the position. Whatever, I want a chance to interview for it anyway.

The other good thing that happened today, but not in this order, occurred while I was at yard duty at my boys' school. The principal shocked me first by coming over to talk to me. I was really pleased by this act alone. She was really nice. Then when the topic of jobs came up I told her I was looking for a school to work in (she knows I am a therapist). She then told me to contact the archdiocese of San Francisco and that I should talk to a specific person and tell me what I do and what my credentials are so they can have my resume on file when a position opens up. She then volunteered to give me the number as soon as I was done at yard duty. When I went into the office, she was standing there holding a piece of paper with the number. I was so appreciative.

I have an interview in Marin tomorrow and I really don't want the job. Not only will I pay 5-6 (5 dollars with a fastpass/6dollars regularly) bucks a day to simply cross the GG bridge, but it is just not a job that I would ever want. Besides, I don't think I can have it if I am taking the school job. I suppose I will have to tell them I can only work 4 days. That might be enough to not get the job. I really just want the school counseling positions or something challenging. Not the job that I am interviewing for. We'll see. 

I am going to be wearing every good luck charm I can find, and praying my little heart out!

Hey wait, does that mean the undies I am wearing are good luck undies?

Maybe it's my scarf....

That Icky Feeling

I know what it is, too. I feel like I'm walking through jello again...

that feeling of anxiety just won't leave my chest or stomach

I can't seem to get anything do

I had hesitated to write about any of this because, well, frankly it is just so darn unpleasant. The truth is, my dear friends, I am not only in a really bad financial way, I am kind of stuck in a situation until I get my finances in order.

See Yasmin, I am not exactly divorced....yet. 

I really should be...I really need to be.

I have not wanted to write this as I always feel like maybe someone reads this who is connected to my work, even in the past. Past clients do come back from time to time.

I cannot leave my marriage until I have the financial means to do so. Sadly, he drained any possibility of my doing that without my knowledge. He said I knew. Well, I didn't. He paid bills with everything we had and with our freaking line of credit. Oh, and the house belongs to me. He will sign it back over to me when the time comes.

Anyway, I will not go into why I think I married him now or why I married him. That is for a future post. For now I will say that he is very abusive, mostly emotionally. He goes for very long periods of time without speaking to me and will get the kids to ask me questions. I have asked him to stop putting them in the middle and to stop allowing them to see this, but he is too selfish and narcissistic to stop. He twists things so the kids think it is me who instigate situations. I almost don't care anymore, I just really want this marriage over. I am to the point of hatred. There are no more tender feelings left. None.

I am sure that once we are living separate lives for a while and he is no longer mean that I may soften up. That by no means means that I will have feelings for him again, it simply means that I will no longer harbor these hateful feelings which I find so destructive. I think that is why I am feeling so depressed. How can I not be depressed when I feel such anger when he walks into the house and treats me badly each and every day. His refusal to speak and when he does it always rude and mean.

He spent years working on destroying my self esteem and then had the gaul to say it was Me who damaged HIS self esteem. He used to tell my oldest child terrible things about me, like I was useless, basically, when the boy was only 3 years old, thus being abusive to both him and me. 

I know I should not publish this post, but I feel like I must. I feel like I hide this from the world and I am so tired of it. I try to keep up appearances with most people in my community and so I never breathe a word of this. Only a few of my closest friends know how really bad the situation is. My mother also knows. She is actually the one who has said I have to stay until I get enough money to pay off some bills and take care of myself and the kids. 

I guess I left some things out. My dear Husband is self employed. My mother purchased his second business, which he really didn't hustle enough at. Although he is talented, I think you can guess, he lacks some self-esteem. He could have made big bucks and didn't. He got us into huge credit card problems and got my mother to bail us out. I mean HUGE. I told her not to. Did I mention that she gave me/us this house? She was afraid of us losing the house. He promised to make payments on the loan she took out...but guess what...he couldn't. She might now lose her house in several years. He also maxed out the  line of credit behind my back and our cards again. Why did I not work all these years? Because he said that he made so much money with each job and my work doesn't make as much and that I could work nights. I screwed myself by not working For someone as now no one wants me. That and the economy issue..I know.

Ok, so there is some of it. I need to get my kids out of this situation. They cannot be raised in this kind of home. I just have to find some sort of employment.

I just know that there is something better ahead...right?