Remember Me?

I feel like I have been gone for so long. 

I guess you can tell that I tend to isolate when I am stressed out and depressed. I don't think it is a thing to do...but it is what I do. I really need to learn to reach out. So much of my life is out of whack at the moment. Some things can be put back together, and sadly some can't, really.

Ok, let's start from where I left off. I have sent out hordes of resumes and cover letters and even gone on a couple of interviews. I was terribly over qualified for the two jobs I interviewed for and still did not land them. I do not know if that is why I did not get them, but it only served to squash my self-esteem that much more...sigh.

I applied for any and every job on the internet. One person even called me and said..."Well, Ok, maybe you can have this job, but you over qualified. How about I put you in for this other position?" Well, I never heard back from the person in charge of the "other" position. It really was alright, though, because the job would have taken me very, very far from home and very late at night. I don't think I could have done it with three kids. Well, not easily. 

Today I went to talk to a principal of a school. I have worked in schools before and really enjoy that work. I have wanted to get back into the schools for a very long time, but had really hoped to find a job where I might make money and get health benefits. I don't that is going to happen so I had better start rethinking and doing what I do and what I love. I love working with kids and families. I feel like I am all over the place, so I will try to stay focused here....sorry.

Anyway, he was really nice and very, very interesting. He wants to have a counselor in the school and was interested in what I can offer them.

After a two hour meeting, we decided I would begin by working one day a week. The school is really quite small (112 kids - it is preschool through 8th grade....private school) and has some budget issues as well. I was fine with that. I just need to get another school or two and then I will be fine. If I can get two or three schools plus a few private clients in the evenings, I will be OK. 

I need to be able to pay insurances, the house bills and tuition. I am so stressed about my oldest boy going to highschool the year after next. I have no idea how I will pay for it.

His father you ask? Don't even get me started! 

I am going remember to breathe and continue to do what I am doing. I am going to plug away at this until I find enough work to support myself and my children. Mom might just be right. Today may have been the beginning of things going a new way. 

I feel as if I have been gone so as not to bitch and moan at you all. I have been nothing but desperate. You know that feeling where a cry is right there in your throat? It is not exactly a cry but somewhere between a cry and a scream and a groan or something. That feeling of desperation. I am becoming more clear on the steps to take now, but grow impatient waiting to take them. It seems that something always has to happen before the step can be taken. Does that even make sense? I am more of a "just get off your butt and get it done" kind of a person".

I am not very good at waiting or being patient. I like to know the ends of movies before I see them. I guess what I am saying, in essence, is that I like to be in control of my life and when I am not it just makes it that much worse. I am not a control freak or anything, I just hate being out of control for extended periods of time that this.

I guess I had better go do some Mom things now. 

Thank you for listening. Please know that it means a great deal to me.

xo,

Laura